Mindfulness and Parenting: How to make the most of the time we have with them

In this crazy world, time can be scarce instead of abundant with the little ones that we brought into this world. We wish we had more of it. What can we learn about making the most of the time we have with them? How can we make that shift from suffering less due to the time being cut short and making every moment count when we are in their presence?

I think I’ve learned a lot more from my son about life than I ever expected. He sees most experiences as an adventure, and taps into his imagination in a way that makes me so proud and so grateful for the fun he brings into our lives. What I’ve learned from him is that we can create amazing memories in half an hour if I am truly present to him and engage in his world of make believe. We can make the best memories in a short amount of time – quality vs quantity couldn’t be a better fit for what I’m trying to get at.

In early February, my spouse and I made the difficult decision to separate. I’m proud of us over the last few months in how we are making the shift and how we’ve decided to put our son first when we look at each decision along the way. Even if change is terrifying, there is excitement as well to moving to a beautiful community that is familiar to both of us, exploring the town and settling in our new homes. I won’t say that I have always been positive about this – I have felt some of the most difficult, raw emotions during this process and the grief that comes along with it. Grief is multi-faceted in these situations, it's the loss of what was but, like any parent, it's also knowing that I won't spend everyday with our child moving forward. What I can do instead though is make a commitment to myself and my son to show up and to show him everyday – whether he is physically there or not – how much he matters. And part of showing him how much he matters is by taking care of myself.

When I think about how we can make the most of the time we have from our kids, here are some of the things I think of. All of these ideas can apply to any parents, regardless of what your families look like and how much or little time you have with your kids.

-Become aware of what is holding you back – I find that by noticing the times I’m not present to my son and why, it helps me show up differently next time. Is it because you’re mind is elsewhere, you’re stressed about work or a fight with a friend? Could it be because you don’t have time – there’s too much housework and you are trying to get it done and be present to your child all at once?

-Chose to be present – Everything is a choice. Practice self-talk and tell yourself that you can worry about work later – right now, your kid deserve to have all of you. Easier said than done. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t. If you have too much housework, come up with a plan and carve out some time in your day that is just for you and your kid. It doesn’t need to be the whole day but your full presence for that short time makes them feel seen, heard and loved.

-Include your kids – If too much housework is an issue that is taking up too much of your headspace, be creative and see how you can involve your kids and make a game out of it. Maybe you can play “grocery store” and “stock up the shelves” in your pantry after getting groceries or wash windows together. Involve them in making a meal or preparing a snack. My son loves cutting fruit with me with his little “chopper” cutting tool that we got from a Loblaws Cooking workshop.

-Seek adventure – I find that when we go somewhere to have fun (splash pad, new indoor playground, etc.) we get to explore and be curious together about what will happen next. We laugh, we create memories and we are truly in the moment.

-Put down the electronics – People always want to be connected, but at what price? Nothing helps you connect more with your kids and actually get in the sandbox than leaving the iphone at home when you go to the park

-Create routines and traditions – I’m a huge fan of bedtime routine and reading stories while cuddling with my son in bed. We look forward to holiday traditions, our yearly daytrips, apple picking in the fall, and Sunday pancakes (which we plan to continue with his other parent). These make some of the best memories and it doesn't need to take a whole lot of time.

-Find opportunities to have more time with your kids – Are there any missed opportunities where you could have more time with your kids? For example, do they go to a weekly swimming lesson that you could volunteer to attend with them. Do you have flexibility in your work schedule to work an evening shift so you can maximize your time with them during the day and work while they’re asleep? For parents who are divorced, could you plan a co-parenting playdate?

-Show them you care even when they're not there - One thing I recently started doing is finding funny Pokemon valentine's day cards and giving them to my son as a surprise on his pillow at bedtime some nights. He absolutely loves it. On the weeks when I'm not with him, in addition to spending time with friends and taking care of myself, I also plan to bake muffins, plan activities for our time together and work on fun memory albums for him.

-Use your imagination to make things fun - When I told my son about the place where he would live with me, one of the things I told him to get him used to the underground parking at my new place is that it was a "Superhero cave" and that we were the superheroes. This got him excited and he proclaimed that he was spiderman and that I could be spiderman too if I wanted to. I find that when I am playful and I turn something into an adventure, his eyes light up. I don't always do this as often as I think I could, but it's definitely something I want to incorporate in our lives more because when I make it fun (regardless of what it is we're doing), we make awesome memories.

-Care for yourself – This really makes a difference when it comes to attentive, mindful parenting. If you are stressed, overworked and you have not had a break in several weeks, how can you expect to be the parent you want to show up and be without some energy in the tank? Regular self-care practices help you to be more focused on being present when you’re with your kids. In fact, I’ve learned over time that this is the most important part of mindful parenting and of truly being attentive – when I take care of me, I am more energized and ready to be fully engaged with my son.

What helps you to make the most of the time you have with your kids?