Mindfulness and parenting: showing up for our kids

I’m not a parenting expert. I can only share my story and experience on how I’ve noticed that kids can change the way you look at the world and how I’ve learned to show up for my son and the kids I work with, mostly with an attentive and curious nature. I say mostly because I am certainly not perfect and I’ve shown up for my son with little patience at times. But most days I try to do what I can to ensure that I’m showing up with a calm, loving nature and this starts with practicing good self-care.

If you’re not practicing effective self-care, it makes it difficult to really show up and be present. It’s not to say that it’s easy to show up with love and patience even with good self-care in place, but it sets the foundation for it to be possible since I’ve found from experience that it’s much harder to show up when you’re burnt out. This means that now at times I step away from it all and take time to reenergize, to go out with friends, to show up for myself, and come back stronger, happier and more focused on why I’m doing this. I want my son to know that I am interested in the things he is discovering and the stories he’s telling. It means a lot to feel valued and to feel like those around you are really listening.

Here are a few other ways that I’ve learnt to show up for kids and be truly present:

-Being curious: making observations, asking questions, wanting to better understand a story. I often will start with “I wonder…” and “What do you think…”. This helps us be curious together.

-Taking a moment to really hear what my son is saying when he’s upset and acting out and helping him recognize his feelings and validate them. This is never easy when I’m also upset but I find that by taking a deep breath and trying to look at it from my son’s perspective, I can often find a reason why he may be acting out (he’s hungry, he’s tired, he had a difficult experience at daycare that day, etc.). An interesting study out of the University of Vermont found that mindful parenting was linked to more positive behavior in kids - meaning less depression, anxiety and acting out. And in their view there are three key factors to mindful parenting: 1. Noticing your feelings when you’re in conflict with a child, 2. Learning to pause before responding in anger and 3. Listening carefully to the child’s viewpoint even when disagreeing with it [1]

-Keeping it interesting: I love new crafts, science experiments and going to new places (nature trails, libraries, museums, fun seasonal traditions like Saunders Farms or going to see Christmas lights, etc.) and our son also looks forward to going somewhere new and honoring family traditions. The truth is doing something different or that we look forward to every year also helps me to stay engaged and interested which means I’m more present and likely to really be in the moment with him.

-Building rapport and trust: This means that both with my son and with any kids I work with I try to not only be interested in what they’re sharing with me and actively listen, I respond back with care, with humor (if appropriate) and I try to make them feel comfortable that they can share openly with me without fear of being judged or ridiculed or put down.

-Take a moment to pause and ask yourself “What does this moment require?”: When I was first exploring meditation and mindfulness, when my son was still a young toddler, I read Sarah Napthali’s book “Buddhism for mothers of young children” which introduced me to some of the ways of being with your kids and approaching parenting in a mindful way. One of the key things that I took away from this book is taking a moment to stop, to pause, to slow down, when I feel an urge to react and say something because I’m tired, impatient and frustrated. It’s taken me a few years to integrate this but more times now I’m asking myself “What does this moment require of me as a parent?” and I try to focus on this rather than my emotions, I try to see the moment as an opportunity for learning and growth and a chance to connect with my son. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to his behaviors, but it means I relate to him first and I try to show up for him in that moment with care and by providing him with empathy, with a listening ear, with a good hug, and sometimes a conversation on how we want to be in the world and why if the behavior was out of line.

What strategies have you found to show up for your kids and parent from a mindful lens?

[1] https://www.mindful.org/mindful-parenting-may-keep-kids-trouble/​