I'm not where I thought I'd be

This is a hard post to write because it starts at a place where none of us really want to go – that place of disappointment about choices we’ve made or opportunities we let go of, finding ourselves at a place that is different than what we envisioned. The truth is that every life has both good and bad, times when we’re proud and life is going well, and times when we didn’t feel up to par or made choices we wish we hadn’t or we faced a loss or a change in our life that was unexpected. One’s story, no matter how it’s played out, should not be defined by what didn’t work or the disappointment about things you wish you’d have figured out by now, but those are the things that are harder to let go of and they can shape our view of ourselves and the world.

Sometimes significant events or losses can change everything – someone may be trying to figure out a new life (like the end of a long-term relationship) or how to cope with a new role they didn’t ask for (a caregiver to a spouse who has cancer). These can be marked by feelings of grief, about the life you used to have, the little things that you miss about it, the relationship you used to have with someone that is now different. Other times it can be things like feeling disappointed to not have met personal goals you had for yourself, taken the time you needed, or looking at your life and thinking that you thought you’d have accomplished more at this point.

The truth is the choices we made and those we didn’t were what felt like we could do in the moment. The circumstances like illness, the death of a loved one or job loss can be beyond our control. I’ve learned that we often have this inner voice that can make us our own worst critic and when someone is navigating feelings of intense grief about how their world has changed it can make it challenging to tap into their intuition on what they need and what they can do to begin to move forward. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is acknowledge it and try to make sense of how to help yourself through it. What do I need in this moment? What would help me? Sometimes it may be processing those feelings and talking about it with a friend or a therapist; othertimes it’s doing something kind for yourself, maybe a walk or a relaxing bath or cuddling up to a good movie.

Finding balance I’ve learned can also be important. Balancing the difficult feelings with the good ones. Reflecting on what choices am I proud of or what positive steps am I taking as a caregiver, or as a person trying to find my way forward after a seperation or the death of a loved one? Sometimes they can seem like very small steps but they count and they are the beginning of regaining a sense of control.

One thing I’ve always been very honest about on this blog is that I am not an expert in any way. I can only share my own reflections and what I’ve learned from others and questions that I’ve found helpful in finding a way forward. We have all had these moments, and they are intense and they can weigh us down, feeling disappointed and feeling regret. But we can also chose if we let it weigh us down or if we adopt a new perspective and begin to let go and focus on the control we have now or what we can do now when faced with a difficult change in our lives.

We can’t change the past, but we can commit to starting to silence the voice that tells us that we should feel bad about who we are, where we’re at or that we’re not working hard enough. In fact, I’m learning in those moments that I can chose to refuse to listen to someone who can’t see how darn hard I’m trying.