Being kinder (to yourself)

We learn to have compassion towards others – to put ourselves in their shoes, to look at the world through their view – but when we’re facing difficult situations or coping with feelings that are hard to have, we tend to be very harsh with ourselves. Most people would say that they’d never speak to a friend the way they speak to themselves in those hard moments – critical, judgmental, taking complete responsibility for where they’re at right now in their lives and blaming themselves for everything. We can all benefit from learning to practice mindful self-compassion (MSC). And in practicing it, our views can change on the situation, we learn to be less critical towards ourselves and begin to accept ourselves, embracing our common humanity. Psychologist Carl Rogers once said “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”.

So how can you practice self-kindness? According to the Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion (https://centerformsc.org/learn-msc/):

Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now… How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? […] You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

There are three elements to practicing MSC: self-kindness (being kind towards yourself when you face a difficult situation), common humanity (recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the human experience – we are human after all, not perfect) and mindfulness (observing your thoughts and feelings as they are and at the same time learning not to overidentify with those thoughts).

So really it’s about stopping when you’re feeling hard emotions to acknowledge that you’re feeling bad right now and that these are strong emotions and thoughts you may be having – but they are not the truth about who you are. Doing something nice for yourself in that moment is critical, because we all need that self-care as you would do for a friend who is facing a hard situation. One of my favorite exercises is creating a “bliss list” and coming back to that list in moments of suffering to choose one thing I can do to help myself in that moment. A bliss list is basically a list of small, simple things that bring you joy or make you feel calm. Some very in-the-moment examples could include taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, listening to a favorite song or enjoying a warm cup of tea or apple cider. It can also include connection – asking your spouse for a hug, talking to someone you trust about what you’re feeling or watching a funny movie with them to take your mind off things.

For information on mindful self-compassion, visit the Centre for mindful self-compassion website at https://centerformsc.org/learn-msc/

So what would be the key items on your bliss list? And what do you notice changes in you when you begin to explore and practice mindful self-compassion?